


Depraved guilt

by LesbianDragon_LD



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Edeleth, F/F, Masturbation, Post-Time Skip, Self-Hatred, Vaginal Fingering, darker tone, not sure if I should tag this as voyeurism, spoilers for FE3H, this one is kinda hard on self-hatred just a warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 06:40:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20421593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LesbianDragon_LD/pseuds/LesbianDragon_LD
Summary: (Spoilers for FE3H)It's been five years since they lost Byleth. The world goes on, but Edelgard can't seem to forget...Unfortunately, her feelings for Byleth remain, and while she should keep her love for her fallen friend pure, Edelgard has moments of weakness that consume her with lust and guilt...She hates herself for it.





	Depraved guilt

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a simple smut about El using the drawings of Byleth in dirtier ways but it just kinda turned into something a bit darker. 
> 
> If you're sensitive about self-hatred though, maybe skip this one.

It had been five years ago and still Edelgard remembered that day vividly as if it had happened the day before. Sure, she had kept fighting. They all did. As Hubert had once said, the world couldn’t wait for the people.  
So when she saw Byleth last, trying to defend herself from the beast that was Rhea all the while light and dust blocked her view, the world kept going. She saw Byleth one moment, and not the next, and the world kept going. Hubert and Ferdinand both dragged her out of the battlefield, ignoring her desperate cries, and the world kept going. Soldiers at the dozens followed her order to look for a trace of her, be it a wounded body or a corpse, and the world kept going. She sneaked out at night, rounding the monastery’s surroundings with her friends close by, and the world kept going. Dorothea came to talk, after a year, begging her to stop because if she had been captured, or wounded or had ran away, it had been a year and a year was enough to determine she wasn’t coming back, and the world kept going.  
The world kept going for five years but Edelgard was stuck in time.  
Stuck in that one day, that one second when she turned her eyes away from hers during the commotion on the battlefield, before she was gone.  
It was a pain no one else seemed to understand.  
To them, they hadn’t lost their war yet. They hadn’t lost Edelgard’s war.  
But Edelgard…  
Well, Edelgard had lost a life.  
Edelgard had lost her chance of telling Byleth she loved her. Edelgard had lost the chance of holding Byleth in her arms, of slipping a ring on her finger, of vowing to love and cherish Byleth until they met their ends, of waking up next to Byleth to see the sun rise over a kingdom that knew peace.  
She still fought for her friends, for the people, and for the memory of Byleth. But she was still empty, forever reminded of a future that couldn’t be. In truth, all she had left besides her memories, were her drawings.  
Drawings she had made when it all started as a silly teenage crush. Of a young woman who longed for the attention of her dearest friend and professor. How she reminisced on those simpler times…  
Often, she would pick them up again, sometimes drawing more in her spare time. Now, they were the only thing that allowed her to stare at that face again, the only source for comfort that allowed her to go back to those happier times before being dragged to the cold and bloody war that she herself had created.  
Most of her times of bliss were pure. She’d stare at her drawings and remember how funny Byleth was when she attempted to make jokes. Of how warm she felt when Byleth smiled just for her and for no one else. Of moments when Byleth would sense something wrong, and rush to comfort her. Of Byleth’s soothing voice, of Byleth’s beautiful eyes, of Byleth’s strong hands, of Byleth’s wonderful body…  
Sometimes, just sometimes, her mind would wander off to places it shouldn’t. As much as she tried to fight it, Edelgard knew that deep down she was only human, and that it was the natural order of nature to feel that desire stir up inside her for someone she cared for.  
She’d fight with herself.  
This is wrong, she isn’t here. This is wrong, she isn’t here. This is wrong- stop.  
Sometimes she’d lose control, and admit defeat.  
She’d lock herself inside the bedroom in the third floor of the monastery, as far away from everyone as possible. She’d warn Hubert before going, warning that she was not to be disturbed. Of course, her friends would assume she was crying, or praying, or just innocently grieving her professor. But she wasn’t.  
She’d bring her drawings in secret and lie down on the bed. She’d look at them, look at that face made out of ink instead of flesh, and she’d commit a sinful act.  
This time, it was no different.

“Byleth…I’m sorry…” she whispered, as she had for the previous times as well, before lifting up her dress. She took her underclothes off, throwing them to the end of the bed. Her hand that wasn’t holding the drawing traveled to her folds, already wet with desire.  
‘Goddess, Edelgard, you’re no better than a common whore.’  
Images of Byleth rushed in her mind, aided by her drawings. Images of her dearest Byleth doing all sorts of sexual acts, exposing her body and chanting Edelgard’s name. Calling her El, her El, as she touched herself for Edelgard, much like Edelgard was now doing to herself. The thoughts raced her heart, and Edelgard noticed that she herself was getting more slippery, her fingers pumping inside herself with more and more ease.  
‘What would Byleth think, seeing you like this? What if she’s in heaven now, looking down at this atrocity you are committing, using her image for something so vile and impure?’  
Edelgard couldn’t take it anymore. It felt as if the eyes in her drawings were staring, disapproving. In shame, she turned the papers so that the drawings were no longer facing her, hiding from her view. She could feel tears forming in her eyes. But her fingers kept moving, her mouth kept watering at the delicious thoughts.

“I’m sorry, Byleth, I’m sorry!”

She tried to stop herself but her hands kept moving. Her fingers kept pleasuring her. Her hand that was once holding the drawings was now clasping her mouth, muffling moans. She could feel herself grow tighter and her body hotter, her shame growing with her own acts. But it was like a cycle, the more ashamed she became the more aroused she got, and the more aroused she got, the more ashamed she felt.  
‘It’s your fault, Edelgard. You started this war, you killed Byleth, and now you call her name as you roll in your depraved lust. This is your fault, you don’t deserve Byleth, you don’t even deserve to think about Byleth, much less pleasure yourself when she died to protect you…Goddess, Edelgard, she died protecting you! And you repay her by using her memory as a depraved fantasy. Goddess, Edelgard, you filthy whore!’

“Please…stop! Stop!” she cried to herself, but her body was unable to listen.  
And then, Edelgard couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t ignore herself anymore. And yet she couldn’t stop. She couldn’t stop touching herself as she imagined Byleth. She knew she was depraved, she knew she was miserable. Her orgasm started to near, and she bit her own hand to suppress a cry. As her pleasure and her guilt built up, her fingers starting to hurt her labia from turning more rough, her teeth biting the palm of her hand hard enough to leave a mark, her rage mixed with her sadness and pure orgasmic bliss…she came, in her full glory.  
Only after it was all done was she able to let out her sobs, and cry. Disgusting, depraved. A gross cry, tears smudging her red and puffy face, uncontrollable sobs. It only fit her, after what she had done, if anything she deserved worse and-

“Edelgard?”

Again, time stood still.  
She stared ahead, and at the end of the bed, there she was.  
It didn’t even occur to her that she wasn’t dreaming, or hallucinating, as she saw Byleth standing over her bed, eyes fixed on her with a deeply troubled look.  
Edelgard was merely able sob.

“I’ve lost my mind fully. And now I’m seeing you everywhere. I’ve gone mad” was the only thing Edelgard was able to cry out, expecting her hallucination to disappear, or to wake up from her nightmare.

“Oh, goddess, no! Edelgard, it’s really me! Oh, goddess, what have you done…what have I done to you…” 

Byleth rushed to Edelgard before Edelgard could react. Upon feeling Byleth’s body holding her as if she were coddling a bedridden child, the realization that Byleth was truly alive and with her hit her. She was speechless, unable to react or to process anything that had happened. In the back of her mind, a voice kept telling her this wasn’t possible. Yet Byleth kept holding her close, so desperately as if she was going to lose Edelgard if she ever let go.

“Oh, Edelgard…Edelgard I’m so sorry…I…I couldn’t come back until now…I didn’t know…”

Byleth was crying.  
Edelgard was crying.

“Where…I looked everywhere…why…?”

Byleth softly shushed her, assuring her it was all right now. She told Edelgard she was gravely injured, and it had been as if she had been asleep for all those years. Edelgard didn’t understand, but it didn’t matter. Nothing but Byleth mattered at that moment.  
Byleth climbed into bed with her, still holding Edelgard, and cuddled her. 

“You saw…I’m sorry…” were the only words Edelgard could form.

“You’re hurting” Byleth gently whispered, stopping only to kiss the smudges of her tears away “never…never hurt yourself again. Let me take care of you, please.”

When Byleth kissed Edelgard, it had felt like a dream. Her guilt still consumed her, but Byleth assured her again and again that she forgave her. Byleth loved her, and the only part she could not forgive was how poorly Edelgard was treating herself. They talked, shared more acts of affection, and Byleth did her best to comfort the troubled woman. Eventually Edelgard succumbed to her gentle caresses and fell asleep in Byleth’s arms. Byleth’s presence wasn’t known to the rest of the army until the following morning. All the rest of the army ever heard was that Byleth, as she had recovered and returned, had sneaked into the monastery the previous day with her presence being known only by a couple of guards who lent her a key to the third floor’s door. There was where she found Edelgard mourning and where they both rested for the night due to Byleth’s wounds. It had been a necessary lie, with the truth always remaining between Byleth and Edelgard.  
Eventually, everyone took notice of how radiant Edelgard looked from them on, and how Byleth never left her side, becoming her anchor through war and through life.


End file.
